the greensun blog

I came in overcharged in an overloaded pickup listening to all the lies the driver had to tell me about everything really. A heap of luggage is most of what I had. The rest was a deep desire to not be seen again by my past. That and a desire to change…no! To transform entirely in this dusty hot wilderness. Perhaps even to be cleansed somehow.

On arrival, we were greeted by a spiteful wind scooping up dirt over and past us. It coated me with bits of it as though to baptize me somehow. With my eyes shut, I resolved to leave my stuff in the care of a man whose mouth was so filled with miraa, I couldnt quite make out what he said in response. I hoped it was something like “ok” as I walked away repulsed by the green bits gathered at the corner of his mouth.

“I need to look for a house”

That was the urgent thing to do. But more importantly, I came here to be a different man, I recall. I was tired of the one I was before and then. Petty, loud , hateful, unforgiving, bitter, vengeful, unsociable, spiritually stunted and always disgusted at the world as though it owed me some sort of tribute. So I came to this place that I had never been to before to change.

Full disclosure though, I hadn’t just come here on a soulsearching mission only. The company had sent me here to work and earn a living. After the interview process, they had picked a map of Kenya and randomly chosen a spot. I would go there. That would be my crucible. And so I acquiesced. There was no difference to me. In any case, how many people get to really grow from the comfort of their hometowns. I figured in this place without safety nets or familiar faces, I would grow claws and learn to hunt. Perhaps I would thrive.

I found a skinny man to help me get a house I could afford. I didnt like any of them: too village, too poor-looking, too crowded and too exposed. For a minute, I wondered what my friends back in Nairobi would think if they ever saw me live in any of these houses. Then relief washed over me along with the realization that nothing mattered anymore. Nothing but this moment moving forward and the things I wanted with all my heart.

I would hide here in the heat and dust and find slumber under a desert moon. I would bare my soul as it is. I would be excrutiatingly sincere with myself, biting whatever bullets I’d need to. And as I gazed past the skinny man talking, I made peace with reality and submitted to its infinitely mighty grip.

The skinny man led me past unsure faces sitted outside a strange structure. Curious onlookers seemed easily fazed. It felt like if you stare at a man hard enough, he might change his mind or something. That aside, the last house was much more decent than the previous others albeit about as destitute-looking. But to be fair, it had a relative amount of privacy given its low occupancy at the time. I wasnt sold yet.

I stayed in a guesthouse for 3 night before finally deciding to take the last house he showed me. My indecision cost me dearly. Indecision was another thing I resolved to fix about myself. I somehow started to repeatedly chant that ‘I am alone in this world’ and that ‘I am nothing’

That was surprisingly cathartic. Those words liberated me. Each time I remembered this, I knew I was free now. Free to become whatever I wanted to be.

And it was in the dusty dry air of this little bordertown that I could smell glory.

Donald Nyach,

My dreams last night were existensial moments piled upon existensial moments. It was all an abstract mess that stood like an obscene skyscraper. I suppose most dreams are.

I woke up feeling freer than I ever have. Without obligation to write or work out or eat or even read a book. I just wanted to take a shit, get a haircut, eat some breakfast and watch a movie(and not necessarily in that order) I didnt consider going to church for even a second. It was too far to walk to and to be honest, it hasnt been a satifsying experience since I moved to this town.

I took time to acknowledge my flaws and my mistakes and muttered under my breath “so fucking what?” I even felt the sudden need to have my state of mind altered if just for a bit.

I realized something crucial: that things work out as they will and that in the meantime, its ok to just fool around because believe it or not, thats part of the ‘struggle’. Denying myself experiences and holding on to these things I have was the dumbest conclusion I ever reached. But to be fair, that ethos had it’s merits and served it’s purpose to put me in a much stronger more secure position I am in now.

I realize the need to adopt less prudence and shed abit of the fear. Not all the fear, because fear is good. A paradigm shift is upon us and I crave a bit of chaos now.

Signing off

D.A.D

Donald Nyach,

I have no idea what I dreamt about last night. Im sure that I dreamt but it’s all lost on me. I realize that the last time I dream of the things I want in life was a very long time ago. Maybe this is an indicator of my sense of lack of fulfillment. Thats an issue that requires a great amount of reflection.

I desire power in its purest form and for it to be sweetened by anonymity. When I was in secondary school, I once dreamt of the gruesome violence that brings such power. I woke up well-rested that morning and had a good day that day. I had control in my subconscious to mirror the control I had over my life. Not so much these days. Lucid dreams are more rare than they used to be.

A thought came to me that perhaps I may be dreaming of my desires and yet not know for sure what my desires truly are. That reqires that I change. That is scary. Not because change is hard but because its inconvenient. Its requires one to shift allegiences, make new uncertain decisions, give one’s heart to new things and take it back from others. It needs one to swallow their pride and say sorry, ask for forgiveness and squander money.

I dont take pride in my neurosis. Nor am I ashamed of it. It’s as much hinderance as it is a useful tool for me to see the bigger picture. It allowed me to understand what it means to dream of gods and beasts moving over the ether and their actions ripping the unworthy to pieces whilst rewarding those filled with valor. I wish I could dream of those things each night and awake to build such worlds. To build it up and one day watch with a smile on my face as my progeny tears it all down to pieces and burn it to the ground as the ultimate retribution upon mankind.

I’m a twisted man, but thats my cross to bear and all the privellages that come with it. Im sure you must have wanted something like that as well.

Signing off

D.A.D.

Donald Nyach,

I dreamt of nothing last night. I woke up thinking of deception and truth.

I considered deception and its appeal. I considered how it turns us into better or worse people and how it bites us eventually. I also considered how it can be used to inspire affection, loyalty, trust, hate, envy, resentment and even lust.

I know of its value as currency when we want to buy the comfort of sleep and calm hearts deep within our chests. I know where I am strong just as I know where I am weak and of the parts that need lies to fill my being so that I can be whole.

Sometimes I recall the wisdom of the boy that once lived in me pulsating anxiously in my veins and beating violently in my heart. That boy knew the real reason lies are told and where the truth should be hidden if love is to be found. This was way before I put my body and mind through fire and tossed it onto the brink of insanity. Before I walked into the realm I live in now and was met by the intense wave of living that life subjects us all to. Im sure that boy knew much more than I do now. And if he didnt, then the things he knew, he knew with absolute certainty.

To be honest, I have forgotten how to lie as effortlessly as I could back then. Its not so much that it exacts a toll on my soul more than it is an unnecessarily taxing thing to do. Keeping the bits of deception consistent requires a religious dedication that most lack the inclination to carry. So we subject the lies to a standard; that if we ourselves will believe them, then why not our intended deceived. And that is how we are able to effortlessly pull it all off. We utter lies with such ease now that in some instances, it becomes morally better than to say the truth.

Lies are important, I think. I think that they are the foundation upon which society holds together. Deception is the foundation of a world filled with living creatures. One day when world ends, the sun dies off and the bones of the last man, woman and child have long ceased to be a specks of dust, the truth shall stand opposite the lie. And they will laugh and relish how beautiful a symphony they played together when life thrived.

Signing off

D.A.D.

Donald Nyach,

Its refreshing to realize how its all gone in an instant. At first you think it will last but then turns out to be so fleeting; life, money, ideas…they all submit to this truth.

I have been learning to ‘do it now, never save it for later’. The thought of this makes me optimistic despite my recent headaches and fatigue.

However, you need to understand that if you give a man a new philosophy(that seems like it will work), he is sure to first apply it on women or money or both. Im talking of all men out there. Its apparent that as our intellect sets us apart, our base natures to own and dominate work to unite us. These temptations we enjoy succumbing to become more and more a part of us as our success becomes more pronounced thereafter.

I recall you(an immensely intelligent and hardworking man) had a 3 wives for a while then realized the social cost of such an enterprise. Too robust to lead, too likely to fall into dissarray, you then stuck with 2 wives and went on to have 17 kids. Impressive. Very impressive because they were all fed, schooled and clothed.

I suppose the way of men is written in stone from our weaknesses to our enduring strength. We are the pillars of humanity when its all comes down to it.

Signing off

D.A.D.

Donald Nyach,

Im not sure of what I dreamt about last night. Inebriation generally works to cause memories to disappear this way.

I feigned extroversion last night and ended up not having a bad time. Perhaps I take after your daughter. That I am truly meant to be like her. Or perhaps I am actually finding the courage to not need to pretend to be harmless so as to accomodate others. I have always thought myself to be dangerous. I know this without a shadow of doubt.

I know how it feels to be the smart kid in class under siege who suddenly decides to be strong(then is suddenly branded a monstor for adapting to protect himself). No amount of inebriation can compare to the feeling one gets climbing up the foodchain that way and suddenly becoming the ‘demon’ that haunts former oppressors.

Growing up , one learns to hide and act and pretend for the sake of decorum. From school to uni to the workplace. They tell you it’s to maintain good relations. I say relations arent that good if you have to pretend. So I relish the thought of the ‘demon’ in me being unbound. I pray that I never have to hide it.

In hindsight, smiling is the most useless thing your daughter ever taught me.

Signing off

D.A.D

Donald Nyach,

Yesterday I found relief. I felt whole again. I’d be remiss if I didnt mention that it had to do with me coming into some money as well.

At night I dreamt of vague abstract things; tigers stalking cats, cats needing my protection, desperate yelps falling on scared ears and whatnot. It was all very dramatic, I assure you. And a tiring mess it was eventually as I watched my cat’s last innocent yelp as I shut the door to avert certain doom for myself.

Sounds cowardly , Im sure. Doesnt matter though. The only bravery that matters is the bravery to change. The bravery to change the self back into what its truly meant to be.I am a solitary creature by nature. I speak for other solitary creatures when I say that they dont really like company for company’s sake and loneliness isnt a feeling they get from being alone. Most cant understand this. They believe such people to be sad.

I achieved a perfect state of solitude yesterday and this gave me relief. I allowed myself to contemplate new possibilities and take on new responsibilities. To be filled with pride enough to ring up my brother and tell him nothing in paticular.

Old man, Im told you were serious and solitary and you spoke in this abstract way. I speak to you in abstract as well because I realize you had a great disdain for the trivial. Well, suck on that.

Signing off

D.A.D.

Donald Nyach,

There is a man in my mind. He flails angrily, face covered in folds from angst and a soul ridden in yearning. He is a weak man that lashes out at the world because he is in truth helpless. At the core of it all, he knows this and supposes he should nevertheless put on a show to keep the wolves at bay.

He doesnt understand humanity and why our words seldom correspond with our actions. He has neither mastered deception nor the games that are invloved in it. And so perhaps he loathes the world for his own ineptitude. Some would call it innocence, he calls it the ultimate curse:to not be aversed in the language of the world.

Such a man delights in his solitude. When he is alone, he is almost completely happy.

Dont get me wrong, sometime he is happy too. But even in our happiest moments, there is always something missing. We dont know what it is but we suppose we would recognize it the day we see it. It is this unknown that might fill his yearning. Maybe it’s immense wealth or a harem to satisfy his lust or immortality or countless progeny to bequeath a legacy to or power or even absolute certainty. Perhaps then again, it is all these things.

This man tires of monotony, his weakness, his ineptitude, the world, those overly entitled assholes he meets on a day to day basis, the director’s condescension despite being less intelligent than most of her subordinates and most of all, the sheepish way in which everyone sinks into this mundane existence just as mediocre as it is without question or the slightest hint if rebellion.

This man’s rage is potent. He tires.

And I tire with him.

Signing off

D.A.D.